My Terrifying, Awkward Nightmares, Now Terrifying, Awkward Cartoons

It’s no secret that I’m certifiably insane. For realsies, they give you a form when you get arrested under the Mental Health Act, and I have a stack of them. I have PTSD, the symptoms of which include a hilariously exaggerated startle reaction (sneak up on me sometime–it’s a riot), insomnia to make sure I’ve always got time on my hands, flashbacks (aka Worst Time-Travel Superpower Ever), and some really gory, vivid nightmares.

Thing is, after 30 years, your brain runs out of stuff to feature in your nightmares. And then things get… weird. Weird and awkward. So without further ado, here is a curated selection of my scariest nightmares, poorly-rendered as cartoons. Enjoy?

First nightmare

Conceptually, that’s hard to draw when you’re bad at drawing. But that was my first-ever recurring nightmare: a field trip with my kindergarten class that I’m really glad was all in my head.

 

shadow

Think it through, Shadow Monster. What does your vehicle choice say about your personal brand?

 

lost

Feeling lost? Alone? Well, get used to it!

 

faces

They’re not supposed to have faces! But they do! Quake with fear!

 

cheese

Admittedly, this is less scary when I’m awake.

 

fish

Clear eyes, never blink, world domination! GO FISH!!

 

horf

The horf was adorable, although not at all passable if you wanted a horse, but trying to sneak him into the Horse Contest was stressful af.

 

clothesline

Whoopsie doodle! I killed you all!

 

cheer up

Hooks: the feel-good hit of the summer.

 

lemon

Pretty sure she was on my side, so I’m actually OK with this one.

 

murder

In my defense, this guy had it coming. He kept playing one song over and over, and it was not OK.

 

sprinkles

At least the blood and feces make sense…

cat

 

Sleep tight, frens!

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